Back to the basics

My last act on American soil is eating this $20 walhburger in Logan’s international food court as an ode to this Fourth of July. To my own surprise, I’m actually bummed that I’m missing the celebrations tonight. A summer evening in New England - barefoot in the wild grass, the heartbeat of insects humming away, chucking watermelon rinds into the dark - is what I think of for the 4th. It’s the idyllic simplicity that was a given growing up and now can only be found with intention.

Maybe that sort of simplicity is what I need right now, or maybe just a moment to pause. I can’t seem to be able to do that anymore. I’ve been sinking more time into work than I have ever before. This past month especially was a marathon of work to do. Projects to be completed, customers to be met, features to be added, and teams meetings teams meeting teams meetings. But my feelings aren’t of resentment or hatred. I’m tired, for sure, but I mostly feel pride and a sense of accomplishment. It feels good knowing my more senior engineers trust me. It’s that satisfaction of a solid days work, knowing you showed up and produced your finest work. However, I still feel the toll of it all. I feel too serious lately. I feel dull. I feel like I’m missing that cutting edge of creativity like im a rock being smoothed down by the endless stream of the corporate office culture.

And on top of all that, I’m left wondering what am I even doing here? On earth, I mean. Am I making the world a better place? Is this what I want to be doing for the rest of my life? Have I chosen the wrong path? Should I be on the grind? Or reject the notion of the rat race, altogether?

I’ve been wrestling with those thoughts for a while now and I feel like I haven’t made any progress. I don’t think I can answer all of them in a 3 week vacation. I don’t think I’m going to find myself “out there”. But I am looking forward to taking a pause. Just for a second. To have the freedom of doing nothing.

At my gate, I met a young man sitting in front of a mural for Walden pond. He was going to France as well (typical for people at the AirFrance gate I suppose) for a creative writing program through his university. He’ll be spending the summer as a French Thoreau - enjoying the countryside of southern France and simply writing. I was quite jealous of such an opportunity. But I am looking forward to using this online journal as a writing exercise of my own, to connect closer with the people in my life, and put a few knicks into my smooth rocky surface.

So happy Fourth of July to all those who celebrate. And my hat’s off to you Mr. walhburg, you steam a good ham.